Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Mama, mama, many roads I have traveled...

My roads traveled have been many; far greater than ever imagined. I'm only 48 years old. I suspect I have at least a few more years ahead of me. I tease my husband, Eric on a daily basis that when my "Life Journal" is complete; a cloth-bound book filled with magazine clippings, famous quotes, candid pictures and miscellaneous thoughts - when this tome is lovingly tied closed with a ribbon, I will very poignantly take my last breath and say, "Adieu my love".  Of course, I've never been accused of being overly dramatic so I'll try not to upset my dearest too much by announcing it ahead of time.

**Side note: Eric, my funeral wishes are written down and located in the closet under my jewelry box.  Yellow roses, not red and definitely not carnations! Carnations are CHEAP for Pete's sake.  If anyone makes a stupid speech please cut them off mid sentence because I hate, hate, HATE stupid speeches and so does everyone else with half a brain. And finally, if you know who from you know where has the nerve to show her ugly, nasty spiteful ass at my service please kick her ugly, nasty spiteful ass right back to...well, ...you know what to do, babe. Thanks.

Now where was I?  Oh yes, I hate big, dramatic spectacles being made over me and yes, so many roads I have traveled...

I suppose I'm stuck on this metaphor of "roads traveled" because I've literally just closed the door on a part of my life which I hope never to see again.  The mid-life crisis stage which so many 40-somethings moan over but which I believed would never happen to me. It did, dammit. It happened with a crash. I hate to admit being wrong but darn - I was terribly, terribly wrong.  I was too caught up with feeling sorry for myself to even notice it was happening.  Before I knew it, I was in intensive outpatient therapy recovering with ten other men and women suffering from various stages of drug dependency, depression and/or attempted suicide. One incredible lesson here; it's extremely awkward being the only extrovert in a room full of introverts. No one liked my hugs! Why it that?

So much went into my 40's and yet they're not quite over. I'm still slathering on Oil of Olay by the gallon. I'm actually considering buying stock in the anti-aging cream. The more I buy of the stuff, the more women I see squinting over their bi-focals trying to read the fine print on the bottles (as if losing our eyesight isn't bad enough, the bastards have to print the information in size 3 font to make us feel that much more decrepit and in need of it).

The 40's has also been a road of self discovery; a chance to branch out on my own and find out just how amazing a woman I happen to be. You see, my dear friends and blog readers, since the age of 15, I've been part of a duo. I've always had a man beside me. Even during my separation from my ex, I immediately became engaged to my current husband, Eric (how brazen)! I've never been alone. These past few years Eric has given me an amazing gift - he's allowed me the space needed to figure out who I am as an individual. Having Eric in my life has never been in question. He's the air I breathe, the ground beneath my feet, the hand which keeps me steady. What he's given me was the ability to leave home when  necessary and seek out the time to discover who I am. Because of this, I've found that I'm funny, emotional, somewhat unstable and extremely outspoken AND I like who I've become.When he's with me, I'm part of Eric and Bri - part of an amazing relationship. I'm still all the things mentioned above but I'm also his wife, lover, friend of nearly 30 years and mother of our two adopted sons.

Cowardly Lion - Wizard of Oz
Since my self-discovery tour, I've attempted stand up comedy (the catch word is "attempted".)  I've also made a cross country trip with a friend and discovered that the northern dairy farmers believed we were a lovely lesbian couple. Now THAT was funny! These last few years I've come into my own - meaning, I won't take nonsense from people anymore. I don't have to. I realize that life is too short to put up with rude and nasty people. I've had 48 years of crap served to me on a hot plate and I hate the way it smells. I'm done with it and I'll throw it right back in their faces with some of my own tossed in for good measure. I won't be bullied and I won't stand by and watch others get bullied either. I'm fed up with the bigger and the stronger and the richer and the better looking folks breaking the rules. I'm fighting back now. I will say something and I'll say it loudly. The Wizard of Oz has finally pinned on that elusive medal of courage to my tie-dye shirt and it feels so good. Bring on the 50's! Well, not quite yet...I still need more Oil of Olay.

Dorothy: Your Majesty, if you were king, you wouldn't be afraid of anything? 
Cowardly Lion: Not nobody! Not nohow!
Tin Woodsman: Not even a rhinoceros?
Cowardly Lion: Imposerous! 
Dorothy: How about a hippopotamus? 
Cowardly Lion: Why, I'd thrash him from top to bottomus!  
Dorothy: Supposing you met an elephant?
Cowardly Lion: I'd wrap him up in cellophane! 
Scarecrow: What if it were a brontosaurus?
Cowardly Lion: I'd show him who was king of the forest!