Thursday, April 17, 2014

Am I dramatic?

I made a recent Facebook comment about how I don't consider myself as being dramatic and my page literally exploded with various contradictory opinions. This fascinated me.

I fell down and went boom!
My husband tells me on a daily basis that I'm a pain in the ass, or to be more specific, a "Hemorrhoid".  My dear friends and blog readers, don't be offended on my account.  I actually find this term of endearment one of the best I've ever heard. When he first mistakenly said what he was thinking, I laughed so hard I almost wet myself.  I find it a great honor to be considered such a painful bodily distraction.  What many of you don't understand are the equally disturbing names I respond with and for which he bursts into similar shrieks of laughter.

When I ask Eric if he believes I'm dramatic, he simply rolls his eyes.  This response does not satisfy me.  I immediately start thinking of recent arguments with others who've responded, "Keep me out of your drama, Bri", and then immediately "unfriend" me on Facebook (I'm still trying to figure out what this drama might be, by the way).  Curiously enough, most everyone in my acquaintance nod their heads as if they know what my personal drama might be even before I do. This disturbs me deeply.

My boys tell me that my voice is annoying.  I'm certain this is only said when they've started a fire and I'm grounding them for a life time.  Yes, it's true, I do use my hands when I'm trying to get a point across but dammit, it's an important point!

I've been known to stomp my feet when I'm angry.  Seriously, what's wrong with this?  It's better than throwing things which I must concede I've finally broken that nasty habit.  I lost a beautiful lead crystal vase once during an argument with my ex-husband.  I regret that terribly.

Yes, I kiss strangers in bars, hug grocery store clerks, and weep when a dog gets hit in the street.  Dramatic?  Pain in the ass?  Overbearing?  Annoying?  How about, seriously unique?

Like me, hate me or love me.  I don't care what you think of me.  Unfriend
me if you want to but if you do, you're missing out on quite a character.

Friday, April 11, 2014

If this were my world...

If this were my world, I'd make the following changes:

First of all, every time someone saw a homeless person on the side of the road, they'd stop and say, "Hey, what do you need?"  Better yet, there would be no homeless people.  Why are there anyway?  This just annoys me to begin with.  Gosh darn it, I'm sounding like Pollyanna and I swore when I started this blog, I wouldn't sound like a Socialist do gooder.  Oh well, too late.

There would be no war so therefore there's no need for semi-automatic weapons.  They're not necessary for hunting, this I know for certain.  The poor beastie wouldn't be fit for food.

In my world, a Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian could sit down for tea (or in my case coffee), discuss their religions passionately and afterwards get up and graciously thank one another for an interesting afternoon.

United States politics could be discussed logically without name calling or personal attacks being made upon the politician or his or her family.  It seems to me that the running mates love this country enough to sacrifice their privacy, personal safety, and the welfare of those closest to them.  We are the UNITED States of America and every time an ugly remark is discharged, we as a group of people, lose standing in the world's eyes.

I have always believed in courtesy.  My world has never lost it.  I know it still exists.  I see it when a young man offers his seat to an elderly gentleman on a bus, a door is held for a pregnant woman, or a stray kitten is rescued from the road.  Parents, continue to teach your children respect because lately I'm seeing less and less of it.  "Please", "Thank you", a simple look in the eye with a smile, or a touch on the shoulder can mean so much.  Have your little ones salute our military men and woman.  Pay it forward by covering the cost of some one's coffee behind you or leave the waitress a larger than usual tip.  Let's not lose what makes us human, "humanity".

And finally in my world my two dogs - Tank and Tulip - would have been trained not to wipe their fannies throughout the house.  The only thing keeping me from losing my mind is my brown carpet.

Monday, April 7, 2014

What would Eric do without me?

Breezy Goes Boom
I have quite a bit to do this morning; grocery shopping, pick-up the dry cleaning, put gas in my car, pick-up prescriptions for my insane family; however, as I sat soaking the scum off my body in the tub, I started writing this blog.  I must never put off a thought when it crosses my mind regardless of how long it's been since I shaved my legs or had milk in my refrigerator.

The idea of pain came to mind.  Yes, agony.  You see, my dear friends and blog readers, I'm a klutz; a certifiable fall on my face, ass, or otherwise spaz.  Out of all my five siblings, I'm the one who has inherited my father's ungraceful side.

I bring this up now because while resting my aching body in the warm suds, I was taking inventory of the bruises that I managed to create yesterday.  How?  I stepped sideways on a bed of rocks in my yard.  Now these rocks have been there since we've landscaped.  I decided it was time for some rearrangement. Thaaaare I weeeent, mud, rocks and all.  Let me just say for the record, isn't it interesting how every fall becomes a theatrical slow motion event?  If it's not embarrassing enough, one can literally see the stupid look on one's face as we say, "Ooooooh shiiiitttt, I'mmmm aaaa fuuuuuucccckkkinnng iiiiiddddiiooot!"

Then there's the post reaction factor.

1)  Do you lie there pretending to be unconscious or in absolute pain so that someone who may have seen you fall will have mercy and not laugh their asses off.
2)  Do you jump up quickly, look around and hope no one watched you make an idiot out of yourself?
3)  Do you laugh your butt off, get up and draw as much attention to yourself as possible?
4)  Do you lie there for a few minutes, wait it out and eventually get up.

Personally, I'm a number 4 gal.  Once, now this is impressive, I was walking away from a street carnival with my ex-husband.  I was thoroughly enjoying my corn dog and soda.  I tripped on a sprinkler head and WENT DOWN.  I Seriously sprained my ankle but did I spill my soda or lose a bite of my corn dog?  HELL NO!

Here's another stupid story and if it wasn't so serious, it would be hysterical...actually, I take that IS funny!  I was coming back from the front porch and I - being as graceful as an elephant - tripped over my own two feet.  I didn't break a bone but I gave myself a concussion when my head slammed into the front door.  My son, Austynn, who was about 8 at the time, opened the door and asked, "Who's there?"  I'm guessing ME!

I try not to laugh when other people fall because Lord knows, I am the queen of disaster but the silliest fall I've ever seen was with my oldest sister, Ellen, at the California Renaissance Fair.  We were waiting in line to buy tickets which happened to be on a steep hill.   This man and his son were ahead of us and something must have made him trip.  To this day, I have NEVER seen a person ROLL like a BALL.  There was no stopping him.  He may have take down a few motorcycles along the way.

So this morning, I'm moaning but my husband can't hear this because he's deaf in one ear.  Eric is also color blind.  He can not see the purple/bluish bruises developing on my legs and arms.  I will sacrifice my day to be a good housewife.  I will do what needs to be done because after all, I am a very, very good wife.  *deep sigh*

Curses to you ERIC!