Monday, April 7, 2014

What would Eric do without me?

Breezy Goes Boom
I have quite a bit to do this morning; grocery shopping, pick-up the dry cleaning, put gas in my car, pick-up prescriptions for my insane family; however, as I sat soaking the scum off my body in the tub, I started writing this blog.  I must never put off a thought when it crosses my mind regardless of how long it's been since I shaved my legs or had milk in my refrigerator.

The idea of pain came to mind.  Yes, agony.  You see, my dear friends and blog readers, I'm a klutz; a certifiable fall on my face, ass, or otherwise spaz.  Out of all my five siblings, I'm the one who has inherited my father's ungraceful side.

I bring this up now because while resting my aching body in the warm suds, I was taking inventory of the bruises that I managed to create yesterday.  How?  I stepped sideways on a bed of rocks in my yard.  Now these rocks have been there since we've landscaped.  I decided it was time for some rearrangement. Thaaaare I weeeent, mud, rocks and all.  Let me just say for the record, isn't it interesting how every fall becomes a theatrical slow motion event?  If it's not embarrassing enough, one can literally see the stupid look on one's face as we say, "Ooooooh shiiiitttt, I'mmmm aaaa fuuuuuucccckkkinnng iiiiiddddiiooot!"

Then there's the post reaction factor.

1)  Do you lie there pretending to be unconscious or in absolute pain so that someone who may have seen you fall will have mercy and not laugh their asses off.
2)  Do you jump up quickly, look around and hope no one watched you make an idiot out of yourself?
3)  Do you laugh your butt off, get up and draw as much attention to yourself as possible?
4)  Do you lie there for a few minutes, wait it out and eventually get up.

Personally, I'm a number 4 gal.  Once, now this is impressive, I was walking away from a street carnival with my ex-husband.  I was thoroughly enjoying my corn dog and soda.  I tripped on a sprinkler head and WENT DOWN.  I Seriously sprained my ankle but did I spill my soda or lose a bite of my corn dog?  HELL NO!

Here's another stupid story and if it wasn't so serious, it would be hysterical...actually, I take that back...it IS funny!  I was coming back from the front porch and I - being as graceful as an elephant - tripped over my own two feet.  I didn't break a bone but I gave myself a concussion when my head slammed into the front door.  My son, Austynn, who was about 8 at the time, opened the door and asked, "Who's there?"  I'm guessing ME!

I try not to laugh when other people fall because Lord knows, I am the queen of disaster but the silliest fall I've ever seen was with my oldest sister, Ellen, at the California Renaissance Fair.  We were waiting in line to buy tickets which happened to be on a steep hill.   This man and his son were ahead of us and something must have made him trip.  To this day, I have NEVER seen a person ROLL like a BALL.  There was no stopping him.  He may have take down a few motorcycles along the way.

So this morning, I'm moaning but my husband can't hear this because he's deaf in one ear.  Eric is also color blind.  He can not see the purple/bluish bruises developing on my legs and arms.  I will sacrifice my day to be a good housewife.  I will do what needs to be done because after all, I am a very, very good wife.  *deep sigh*

Curses to you ERIC!