Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Happy Birthday, My Love

Last night I sat in a familiar outdoor pub with a dear friend.  It was my turn to be the designated driver so I sat several hours nursing my watered down coke laughing with her and sharing silly stories while she relaxed over a few double rum and cokes.  She's had a difficult few months; we both have.  It's nice to get away from the stress of my autistic teenagers and housekeeping duties from time to time. 

One of our topics turned sharply into relationships with others - both past and present.  It seems lately we've been disappointed by people.  It's not that we have high expectations; however, we seem to have reached a point in our lives where it's too damn hard to work so damn hard.  Does this make sense?

I'm the first to admit that I'm a narcissistic bitch.  I tend to make things about me.  This isn't a difficult confession to make, in fact - I've made it before.  If I'm aware of the problem then I'm obviously trying to fix it. It's taken me 46 years to come to the conclusion that yes - other people are suffering in this world and not necessarily from a paper cut.  My other realization is that if my paper cut hurts and it's deep, I will announce it.  I'm not a martyr.  Salt or lemon hurt like Hell if those damn cuts happen to slice the skin between the fingers.  So, okay - I AM a pain pussy.  I own it.

I expect honesty.  Up front, in my face honesty.  I've been accused of playing games.  I don't think so.  I say it like it is.  I don't want to hurt people.  That's the LAST thing I want to do.  If I'm asked a question, I'll tell you the truth.  I'm not going to come out and say, "You look like a fat slob in that dress." I might suggest, "Perhaps a different color or style would be better."

I love my friends yet I tend to open myself up far too much too quickly.  There's no grey matter with me; it's all or nothing.  I was told once that I'm too passionate.  The adjectives, reckless and unpredictable were also thrown at me with the same careless, cavalier attitude as the words they define.  If this is what I am; passionate, reckless, and unpredictable then I suppose my heart deserves to be broken every so often.  On the flip side, I've put myself "out there", met some amazing people, and formed incredible bonds.

Relationships are a lot of work.  The question before me now is am I willing to invest this kind of energy into the difficult ones?  I don't think so.  No more apologies and no more pretending to be someone that I'm not.  If you don't like my politics, then don't bring them up.  If you don't like my cussing, they're just made up words.  They don't mean anything and they certainly don't define me as a human being.  In fact, oftentimes I use them for shock value only because I find the entire idea of curse words silly.  Religion; everyone needs something to believe in or not.  I hold every faith sacred as well as every life.  People have a right to love whom they choose and believe in what they find holy.  To find contempt in this theory is dishonorable.

While writing this blog, I realize that there has been one consistent friend throughout my life.  He's listened and never judged.  Granted, he's tried to fix things from time to time but he is a guy after all.  Dudes are born with tool boxes by their sides.  In fact, over the last couple of years, I've asked for things which would have broken most marriages.  He's never wavered in his devotion for me - we're actually stronger for it.  A few days ago, my marriage was challenged by someone.  I know this sounds vague but for this particular person's curiosity, my husband's words were simply, "I know you love me and you'll always come back to me."

Eric is right.  I'm devoted to him.  I will never allow him to be hurt by anyone.  He is my greatest love, my dearest friend - my best friend.  I've never had to work at our relationship.  I've been able to tell him everything, from the most painful admission to the silliest realization and after all of this...he still holds me in his arms, tells me I'm beautiful, and chooses to spend the rest of his life with me.

Happy Birthday, My Love.