Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Today's topic: Brunch. Or is it a Buffet? Or can I spell Smorgasbord?

This morning I'm going to blog about specific type of dining experience because well, I woke up with indigestion and so therefore determined that this was a clear indication from the great writing troll in the sky to make my opinions known.

I hate crowds.  This is not the only thing I hate and I apologize because "hate" is a very strong word but there's no other way around it.  "Dislike" doesn't do my feelings justice.  "Abhor" sounds like something a smoker coughs up after dinner.  No, no - "hate" is the appropriate word for me.  My intense emotion for being in crowds hasn't always been like this. Apparently it's worsened with age along with my other various quirks and oddities.  For instance, my germ phobia is now to the point whereas I won't touch a shopping cart unless I use the complimentary store disinfectant wipes beforehand.  Have you, my dear friends and blog readers, ever shopped in a neighborhood Walmart?  If so, then there's no question as to why I bristle at the thought of touching any surface area within these stores.

I also hate flying.  If I have a planned airplane trip, I start deep breathing exercises months in advance.  I also use a technique whereas I close my eyes as a passenger in a car and pretend that the bumps and dips are plane turbulence.  How very "zen" of me, right?  Wrong.  The moment the plane rattles and my coffee shakes in my complimentary non-biodegradable cup, I pop three Valium, and clutch the nearest stranger (medication increases my obnoxiousness rating by at least 40%).  My husband is convinced this fear is control based.  Okay fine.  I suppose falling out of a hurling piece of aluminum at 36,000 feet without a parachute may give me a "loss of control" - at least of my bladder anyway.  This is not the last thing I want to remember as I head off to discuss hanging participles with the great writing troll in the sky.

So crowds..?  Where does this "hate" for mobs of mankind interconnect with my intense dislikes and/or phobias for germs and lack control and how the heck is this related to my blog title?  Two words:  Mother's Day.

Mother's Day Brunches or Buffets or as my sweet husband calls them, Smorgasbords, are when ridiculous crowds of families surge into restaurants to treat their mothers, wives, and/or grandmothers to a meal which they - dear maternal, worked-to-death-women - do not have to prepare themselves.  The sentiment is lovely but for this mother of two adopted, autistic teenage sons I could not think of a more horrific way to spend my morning.

Buffets are okay, sometimes.  I say this very loosely.  However, they are never pleasant on Mother's Day because everyone in the world feels it necessary to celebrate the day in this fashion.  It's not unusual for families of 10, 15, or 20 people to gather for these momentous feasts.  First of all, who's watching the kids??  Here comes the germ factor.  There are so many people celebrating dear mamacita that no one is watching little Timmy sticking his sucked on, disgusting fingers in the whipped cream bowl.  Will someone please watch their CHILD!!

Secondly,  I'd love to eat everything offered.  It seems to me if someone is going to pay an exhorbanate amount of money for my meal, I should at least get their money's worth.  I make such an honourable attempt that I end up vomiting when I get home.  Not only is this a waste of money, but I'm also squandering my one day "off " a year huddled over a toilet bowl and I'm not even using a cleaning brush.

I guess it all comes down to control.  I don't have any.  I can't control the screaming children and their germy, unsupervised fingers in the food bowls.  I can't control the fact that I have no willpower and must find the means and hands to balance an omelet, Belgian waffle, pastries, sliced meat, potatoes, and desserts on two overly stuffed plates without looking like the total sloth that I am.  And finally, I have absolutely no control over what these damn things are called.  I wish someone would make a decision; is it a Brunch, Buffet, or God help us - a Smorgasbord?