Thursday, June 13, 2013

It's time to introduce you to Eric...

My wonderful husband
Oh my dearest husband, Eric.  If my bedside clock was ever set correctly, I could virtually document, by the minute, his morning ritual.

He and I are similar in many ways.  We share the same liberal politics, moral values, and bizarre sense of humor.  We've basically grown up together having known one another and been close friends since high school.  All of this helps when recognizing an approaching temper tantrum or look of disgust across a crowded room.  It's with this knowledge of endearment that I write today's blog.  I can't wait another moment of our 17 years of marriage to impart this amazing information with you, my dear friends and blog readers.  During the past three years you have become quite familiar with my quirks and oddities.  It's time to introduce you to a few of Eric's...

One of the ways he and I differ is that I'm a complete morning mess.  For instance, just today, my bedside area resembled a stage five tornado disaster.  Four pairs of shoes were scattered haphazardly so that I might trip and break my right ankle again (why I had four pairs of shoes next to my bed is quite a mystery as I didn't wear four pairs of shoes yesterday) and my laptop was directly below where I would step on it should a stage five tornado hit our quaint little home in the middle of the night.  My half filled coffee bowl, a half filled venti Starbucks mocha (with an extra shot of espresso), saline nasal spray, butterfly clips from my dog's ungroomed mane, a library book of which I've only managed to read two chapters in the last three months, and a candle sit on my bedside table.  Don't even ask what's in my nightstand drawer.

What's on Eric's side of the bed?  Nothing.  Exactly.  Nice and tidy.

After re-heating yesterday's coffee (gross), I've picked up my side of the bed; however, this is one of the major contrasts between our personalities, I'm Oscar Madison and he's Felix Ungar.  In other words, I'm the slob and he's the neat freak.  Some of our friends might argue that our house is always neat..sorry, it's just picked up - HUGE difference.  Don't ever look in the corners...just sayin'.

When I get ready to go anywhere, it's virtually a free for all.  If I remember to put on my deodorant, I'm a happy girl.  It just depends on what I see when I open the medicine cabinet.  Did I brush my teeth?  Hmm, it smells like really strong coffee.  I guess not.  To be honest, I'm quite lucky if I walk out of the house having even bathed. 

The Odd Couple
 Now Eric, he's interesting.  Once he's out of bed, the entertainment begins.  He starts the shower (because it takes a few moments for the hot water to heat up), sets out the necessary toiletries (always in the same spot); toothpaste, deodorant, brush, comb, blow dryer, hairspray, etc.  His routine is exactly the same every day.  It never varies.  Nothing is amiss.  There's a number of times he brushes his hair with the blow dryer followed by eight quick pumps of hair spray on the left and eight on the right after which he waves his hand in front of his face to avoid inhaling the toxic fumes.  Hell, who wouldn't with that much aerosol floating about in the atmosphere?

Then a major struggle begins and my hearts breaks a little more for him every day watching these episodes.  You see my dear friends, Eric is color blind.  All professional men know that their dress socks should match the color of their business slacks; however, before I entered Eric's work life he wore black socks and black shoes (gasp) with everything!  He was...shudder...an office geek.  Now he's on the right track but each morning he sits before his sock drawer struggling to find the right color to match his slacks.  I give him some time but after a few heart wrenching moments I find myself stepping in, "These match honey.  Those are brown, not green." 

God bless my dear one, my sweet color blind, quirky Felix Ungar.  My very own...Eric Potts.