Friday, February 1, 2013

Sorry guys, it's a losing battle.

Men can't win.  I'm sorry, it's a proven fact.  When pitted against their female partners, it's a lost cause.  The guys may just as well throw in the towel, hold up the white flag, and walk away with their ball sacks attached because when it all boils down to it, let's face it girls...we're bitches.

I came to this hard nosed conclusion last night after making a horrific dinner.  In my mind everything was awful.  The T-Bone was overcooked and the potatoes were undercooked (Even after I'd riced them.  How does one accomplish this?).  The only thing which tasted decent was the pre-cut salad I pulled from the bag.  I continued lamenting while huffing and puffing pushing food about with my fork. I pouted over every bite erstwhile my loving husband, Eric, heartily disagreed and finished everything in front of him.  This infuriated me.  Let me repeat, this infuriated me.  Why? 

If my dear spouse had the unmitigated audacity to agree with me when I said, "Gee whiz, I really killed the cow", he most likely would have suffered the wrath of Medusa.  After 18 years of marriage he knows this.  He doesn't want to go that route.  Who in Hell would?  What angered me - now try to follow this logic - is that he disagreed because he wanted to spare my feelings.  We both knew the dinner was awful.  My opinion is that after having been married for so many years, he would be aware of how to avoid this situation.  I'd rather he be honest yet gentle.  Gentle is good.  For instance, he could have said something like, "Perhaps the meat was a little overcooked but it wasn't that bad."  This would have been perfectly acceptable.  Had he done this I might have stopped moaning and not gone to bed hungry.

While I'm on the topic, let me add a few other suggestions to save you male readers a bit of grief.

I don't know why women are obsessed with personal appearance but we are.  If you have facial hair poking out someplace it doesn't belong, chances are we will not let you rest until the offender has been removed.  This can mean several things.  If we've asked you to trim your eyebrows, nose hair, or - God forbid - ear hair before leaving the house and we're assaulted by the site of a mismanaged follicle, you will receive a warning to take care of it.  After that, it's war.  We'll attack it with any and all means to save you (actually us) the embarrassment of being seen in public with it.  I've been known to pull an unruly eyebrow from my husband while driving at 65mph on the freeway.  This is serious business gentlemen.  Take care of it or we'll do it for you.

If you do not want to be nagged for the rest of eternity, lift the seat before peeing, don't drip in front of the toilet lest we slip in it, replace the toilet paper, and DO NOT take a dump while your wife is relaxing in the tub.  Trust me, she'll be much gentler towards you when she sees those unruly facial hairs. 

And finally, unless you're actually fifteen years old, dear friends and blog readers, don't fart loudly in elevators, closed offices, or in grocery stores and then inadvertently look at your girlfriend or wife and say, "How gross!"  This has been a stumbling block in my marriage for years and one which has come dangerously close to my handing Eric's ball sack back to him wrapped in divorce paperwork.