Friday, December 21, 2012

If the world is going to end, let's get on with it!

So if the word is supposed to end today, December 21, 2012, as per the Mayan's prediction, let's get it over with already.  I'm personally quite done with this business.  I had to allow my youngest, autistic son to wear my treasured Puka shell necklace this morning.  This was a bribe to get him to walk to the bus stop.  His head has been filled with so much doom and gloom nonsense lately that he's concerned that he'll "meet his end" at school and not at home.  The idea behind my necklace was that I wouldn't dream of letting him wear it if I didn't expect to see it at the end of the day.  Good grief, the mind games we play with our kids.

Some of my loyal post followers may have noticed that I've been absent as of late.  Writing is a funny thing for me.  I have to feel it.  It's joyful.  It's also somewhat cathartic.  These past 4-5 weeks I've buried myself.  In addition to breaking my ankle, there's been some annual holiday blues that - try as I will - I can't seem to dodge.  Also, there's been more than the usual turmoil here with my two sons.  I realize that many of you, my friends and blog readers, are parents of Aspergers' kids and would be interested to know what's been happening.  For now, I ask that you be patient.  I'm not prepared to write about it.  Quite frankly, I'd rather clean up the dog's vomit next to the bed than re-visit that awful day.

My friends and family believe me to be strong.  I'm not.  I'm actually weak.  I can put on a pretty tough or silly mask when necessary but normally I'm falling apart inside.  Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed.  When Eric asks me to describe it, I break down and cry.  What I can manage to get out is if I could take enough sleeping pills to knock me out but not kill me - that's the ticket - I don't want to die.  I want to sleep through the worst of the madness.  I'm tired of Austynn's rages, money, my ankle hurting, the housework, legal issues with William, concerns with Eric's stress...the list goes on.  For one week, I don't want the kids near me, I don't want pain, and I don't want to worry about money.  What I'd like is some quiet, sunshine, and the beach.  It's been too long since Eric and I have had time to ourselves.

Perhaps I'm asking too much?  Yes.  I'm greedy.  Ok, I take back all of my requests.  How about instead of sleeping pills or that beautiful week in paradise, I get one day of no yelling, screaming, incessant chattering, or disrespect?  Yes.  I'll take that.  Is this too much to ask?  I'll even be willing to put up with a little ankle pain in exchange.