Saturday, December 1, 2012

A December Ramble

December 1st, 2012.  I don't have any one thing in mind to write about today so I'll resort to a good old fashioned ramble, the Lunatic Housewife style. 

This is a slightly awkward observation, I have toast crumbs between my cleavage.  Why, my dear friends and blog readers ask, is this even worthy of discussion?  It's not.  Why would it need to be if today's blog is a simple ramble?  My mention of it is merely a way of stating how my morning started out nicely with coffee and toast being brought lovingly to me in bed by my husband, Eric.  I must admit, I hate crumbs of any sort between my 40DDDs; however, since the love of my life always makes comments as to how lovely I smell there, I can only assume he appreciates buttered toast as much as I do.

My tri-broken ankle is throbbing like a mother trucker today.  The prescription pain medicine is sitting next to me but I must remain strong.  I won't take it until Eric tells me to.  This is the promise I made him after my last ER visit and the attending physician was startled by my 65/42 blood pressure reading.  You see, I have a tendency to be a "pain baby" and at the time decided that my Valium might assist in relieving some of the discomfort.  Well, it did - but I got myself into a wee bit o' trouble over it.  Now I must show the world and myself that I can survive a paper cut without running towards the medicine cabinet.  I can do it!  Yes, I am VOOMAN!  (OUCH!  Tank get off my foot before I call 911!)

I attended a "Nasty Lady" party last night.  For those of you who may not be familiar with what these parties are, I'll explain.  They're private parties whereas a salesperson is invited into someone's home to show off and sell "products" to friends and neighbors.  In this case, the "product" was sexual in nature; vibrators, lingerie, massage oil, etc.  I'm not big on attending "product" parties because I can't usually afford what they're selling - or, truth be told - I'm not honestly interested; however, "Nasty Lady" parties are always fun.

I suppose if one is sexually inhibited or painfully shy, these types of gatherings - especially if you attended as I did last night and knew no one other than my friend - it can be - well, a little cringe worthy.  A few shots of Tequila can always cure this. 

I must have laughed until I cried watching a trio of young girls mesmerized by a new "high-tech" vibrator.  I couldn't drink because of my pain medication but these young ladies had lost all sense of propriety due to several jello shots.  They determined, after a long and well thought out discussion, that they were "done" sexually with men forever.  That the vibrator they were considering - though expensive - was well worth the investment.  They also concluded that men's penis' in no way - and I must concur with this - could ever perform the amazing tricks that the "Quiver Tickler" was engineered to accomplish.  So, after calculating the cost of feeding and spoiling their men as well as the emotional let downs of not climaxing on a regular basis, they all realized the value the vibe.

Now, I'm sure many of you are wondering if I brought home a little black bag of goodies last night.  I'll simply say this, why do you think Eric brought me coffee and toast in bed this morning?  Women who often have toast crumbs between their cleavage must have extremely happy husbands for a reason (and yes, I guess having 40DDDs helps a little too).