Wednesday, September 5, 2012

How did you sleep last night?

When I'm lying in bed at 4:20am composing my daily blog in my mind, one can assume it's been a Hell of a night.  Since today is Wednesday and I'm long overdue for an impressive mid-week whine, I'll use this as my topic of choice..my horrible sleepless night.

My evening started out uneventful, quiet, even peaceful.  Everyone in the Potts' household seemed happy; even the dogs weren't fighting.  I decided to skip the nightly news and go to bed early.  Sadly, I've become a mutant in my middle age and "early" is exactly what it implies.  Let's just say, I was tucked in before my kids were.  Regardless of the pathetic hour, I thrill at the thought of sleep.  My bed is my haven.  My pillow is my  friend.  She calls out to me throughout the day.  She's like a siren; her song is almost impossible to resist (boy, this is getting silly).  Anyway, I believe I've made my point.  I love to sleep.

In order for me to ensure the quality of rest I so desire, the room must be pitch dark and silent.  My master bedroom is large and has a separate sitting area off to the side where my husband and I watch TV in the evenings.  Being the sweet, compromising wife that I am and having discovered that Eric's snoring has increased in velocity over the years, I wear an eye mask and foam earplugs (which I'm sure enhances my sex appeal as I also wear long johns and oversized t-shirts.  I'm truly a goddess.).  This way, Eric isn't inconvenienced and has to go downstairs and I can still go to bed when I want to.

9:30    Eric pulls off my covers and says, "Breezy, you're already asleep?"

10:40  Tank, my Lhasa Apso, decides that the foot of the bed is uncomfortable and walks his 19 pounds along my back to the top of the bed in an effort to avoid Tulip, his nemesis and our evil, sleeping Shih Tzu.

11:27  I roll over towards Eric (and Tank), open my eyes for a brief moment, the dog sees me and plants his wet tongue upside my nose.  Startled, I jump and my big toe kicks Tulip - in what I'm assuming is a sensitive spot - and our evil little Shih Tzu starts growling mercilessly.

12:53  I have a night terror (probably still overwhelmed by Tank's earlier display of affection) and start yelling, "Who's that in my bathroom?  Who's there?!!"  Eric merely groans and goes back to sleep.

12:53-1:37  I'm in a constant state of movement.  I'm cold.  No, I'm hot.  My earplugs are bothering me so I pull them out.  Eric's snore is sounding more like a wheeze.  "Is he ok?"  The overhead fan is clicking incessantly.  "Why do we need that stupid thing on anyway, darn it!"  My sweet, siren pillow is not singing to me.  Every shift of its surface seems wrong.  "My earlobes are too big, they're being folded!"  Each flip of my body discovers a new dilemma, "My boob isn't underneath me right.  Tulip is too close to my feet.  DAMMIT!" 

2:16-2:28  "Do I have to go to the bathroom?  I'm finally comfortable. I don't want to move."

2:29  I go to the bathroom.

3:55  Tank slaps my head.  This is an indicator that he needs to go to the bathroom, errr...outside.

4:20  I wake up contemplating a bizarre dream in which I was in a huge studio audience for the TV game show, The Price is Right hosted by Drew Carey.  He made a raunchy joke between takes and then realized his error.  Not only was I sitting next to a Catholic Nun, but when I looked around and behind me, the entire theater was filled with nuns wearing light blue habits.  Mr. Carey, befuddled, left the set.  In my dream, I started laughing hysterically and thought, "Thank God I didn't say that!"

4:20-5:34  Still considering my dream and the fact that I hadn't slept a wink since my initial attempt many hours earlier, I begin writing this blog in my mind.

5:34  I decide to change topics and focus on a sexy daydream.  Who's my partner going to be?  (Don't click your tongues at me dear friends and blog readers.  My husband allows me to wander in my daydreams and if you say, you don't then someone is fibbing!).  Mike Rowe?  The friendly fire station crew around the corner?  Someone else?

6:30:  Beep Beep Beep Beep.  Alarm Clock.  "Shit!" 

I believe I'm entitled to a Wednesday whine this morning, what do you think?