Saturday, August 11, 2012

Personal Feminine Hygiene Gadgets...Oh My.

Funny stories come in all sorts of strange experiences and locations.  Some are fleeting or what a friend lovingly refers to as "dopeslap" moments; a sharp, self-inflicted slap to one's forehead while thinking, "Duh!  Did I really just do that in public?".  Still others require a somewhat long introduction to set-up the tale, to prepare the listener for the grand finale; the big guffaw.  My stories, of course, vary in length and detail.  I've been known to dip my paint brush into vivid and varied colors to make the portrait more detailed, more interesting, perhaps - a little more lively.  The story I'm about to tell is the truth.  No additives, fillers, or MSG; 100% natural. 

Believe it or not, I am a bit of a sexual innocent (my best friend will argue this point to her grave).  There are many things I've learned during the past 20 or so years which have caught me quite off guard and some of which I'm still learning.  Why, as a married 45 year old, do I need to expand my education?  I don't - I suppose - but I'm a curious soul and life is interesting on so many levels.  Also, I'm extremely liberal and open minded.  I've been known to have intimate conversations with complete strangers in grocery store lines.  I can't for the life of me understand how or why this happens. I suppose people take one look at me at think, "Hmm, I can share my sexual preferences, favorite positions, and fantasies with this lady and afterwards we might go out for a Big Mac."  It's all good.

When I was growing up, sex was not discussed in my home AT ALL.  I didn't know how babies were made until school friends unceremoniously slammed some Barbies together and even then, I was somewhat befuddled.  It wasn't until I saw my first penis - up close and personal - that I thought, "Ken Doll was obviously missing something."  At 8 years old I attempted to sip some water out of what I thought was a drinking faucet in our hotel bathroom.  When my mother saw this, she screamed, "NO!".  The words, "Bidet" and "Personal Feminine Hygiene" made absolutely no sense to me.

Just recently, I was in a hotel with another one of these impressive feminine hygiene gadgets.  Of course, it made me giggle and yes, somewhat cringe because of my earlier memory.  Being my typical self, I had to investigate once again.  This time, I knew what it was but had no idea how to turn the damn thing on.  Left nozzle, warm water.  Made sense.  Right nozzle, cold water.  Typical.  Wasn't it supposed to shoot cleansing water up with some sort of pressure?  Curious.  There was a knob in the center.  Aw...yes, that did it.  Clever.  Right into my face.  Lovely.  I might as well have taken a drink...