Thursday, August 2, 2012

Boulder, Colorado - A planet unto itself.

Ahhhh...Boulder, Colorado.  It's a planet unto itself.  A strange, lovely, quirky location just a few miles northwest of where I call home.  I personally love the city but then one my dearest friends tend to introduce me at parties as her "liberal neighbor from Southern California".  Perhaps it's because I wear tie-dye shirts and purchase $5 handbags from World Market stores?

Yes, Boulder is a unique combination of college students, organic-health-food-lovin' fanatics, retired liberals, and environmental protectionist yoga instructors (if I've missed anyone, I apologize profusely).  It may sound like I'm poking fun at the suburb but I'm not.  As I've mentioned, I absolutely adore it.  I wish I lived there; however, there are just a few overwhelming factors which would disqualify me immediately.

First of all, I drink enough bottled water that I've personally contributed to global warming.  This knowledge would have the city council and 90% of the area citizens out looking for me.  I would be tarred and feathered by night fall.  I literally hide my Kirkland Brand bottles of water when I drive into the city.  In fact, I have a tendency to toss my empty plastic bottles on the floor behind my driver's seat when I'm finished (I know, it's an awful habit).  One afternoon, while getting ready to park the car, I was mortified to see 6 empty water bottles in clear view of Boulderite pedestrians.  I had to quickly shove them under my seat and out of site.  Lord only knows what environmental terrorists might have planned for me upon my return.

I don't like exercise of any kind.  Sweating is uncomfortable.  Make-up melts.  I hate the way my head itches when perspiration starts gathering under my scalp.  Walking is an activity which should only be necessary to get from my vehicle to my ultimate destination.  I'll waste gasoline driving around a parking lot in order to find a spot two car spaces closer to the mall.  I'll sit and wait ten minutes for someone to unload their packages in order to park in their space.  I'm not proud of this information; however, it's the truth and it drives my husband crazy.

The city of Boulder is filled with health conscious folks.  These folks love to sweat.  They love to ride bicycles everywhere.  I have another confession to make; I hate bicyclists.  Not cute, random bicyclists but those professional folks who ride in packs, side by side in the middle of the streets.  Now if you're one of them, I'm sorry.  It's nothing personal.  Perhaps I'm jealous?  Maybe I dislike the fact that I'll never have a tookus small enough to fit into those spandex shorts or thighs which will not spontaneously burst into flames when riding at 25mph?  Either way, the Devil comes out of me when I see these packs of riders.  I want to mow them down.  I think this is an automatic disqualifier for living within the city limits.

I can't do yoga.  Everyone in Boulder must and should do yoga.  I've tried, trust me - I've tried.  I didn't even sign up for the difficult stretchy type of yoga.  My class was meditative, calming, reflective yoga.  No problem, right?  Oh no, my dear friends and blog readers.  I failed on all counts.  Me - meditative, and calm?  All I could do was focus on not farting so of course when someone, not me (thank goodness) did fart, I couldn't stop giggling.  Focus, Bri.  Deep, calm blue waters...oh fuck it!  It was funny! 

Finally, health food.  I've mentioned before that I was once a volunteer for Hospice of Boulder.  During one of our training sessions we were asked to go around the room - as an introduction - and tell everyone what we ate for breakfast that morning.  There were about 20 of us and the answers ranged for organic fruit, herbal teas, Kashi cereal, whole grain toast, etc.  It was all very healthy - all very "Boulderite".  I was the last one to give my answer.  This is what I said:

"Hi my name is Bri Potts.  I ate three Orange Slices, and I mean the candy, not the actual fruit - I don't usually eat fruit.  A bowl of coffee with 12 swirls of Hershey Chocolate Syrup and 4 Sweet N' Low packets.  Oh, and 4 mini Hershey Chocolate Bars.  I contemplated stopping at McDonald's on the way to get a Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuit but I was running late.  I'm having terrible sugar shakes right now, duh..I wonder why?"

I laughed.  The entire room was absolutely silent and stared at me.  They thought I was joking.  Nope.  I was perfectly serious.  That moment sealed the deal.  I could never live in Boulder, Colorado.