Friday, June 8, 2012

I've Been a "Crazy Hoochie Mama"

Anyone here a stalker?  Ok, that's a little dramatic.  How about, has anyone reading this blog ever once been a stalker, wanted to stalk someone, or perhaps erected a private shrine in passion over someone?  There ya go...that's better.  Now I've included just about all of you, my dear friends and blog readers, into the equation. 

I'm sure there's a few of you shaking your heads thinking, "Oh no, not me.  I've never done something so sick as to stay awake nights fantasizing over someone."  Give me a break.  We've all done it.  And truly, if you haven't, then you're just weird and you shouldn't be reading my blog to begin with. 

Who have I stalked?  Far too many men, I'm afraid, to be considered normal.  If at the time these guys knew what I was doing, they'd probably take out a restraining order against me.

What is it with love?  Actually, I don't even believe stalking falls within the realm of "love"...it falls more into the boundaries of "Crazy Hoochie Mama" and if you're a guy, well then I'll just call it like it is - you're a freak and you better get over it real fast before you start stealing underwear from washing machines or peeping through open windows.

My first stalking experience was my "puppy love".  Damn, I had it bad.  I truly believed I would die "whispering his name from my lips".  Holy shit!  I couldn't get any more dramatic than that, could I?  After he broke up with me I thought my life was over.  I would not recover.  How could I exist without his blue eyes, his lips, his touch..?  AND certainly, how could he exist without ME??  (I'm sure as most of you have come to discover I'm probably one of the most narcissistic human beings you'll ever get to know.)  He must be suffering so!  I must witness his agony first hand.

Good Grief.  What was I thinking?  He lived 30 minutes away from me.  His bedroom faced the front of the house which sat on the end of a very short cul-de-sac.  I drove a monster of a car which could be heard a mile away.  I was probably also playing some ridiculous love song and weeping loudly.  Was I a stealth stalker at 11:00pm on a warm weeknight circling his street?  I'm guessing not.  I was a Crazy Hoochie Mama.  Oh, the shame!

My other stalking obsession is with the television actor, Mike Rowe from the reality show, Dirty Jobs.  If, per chance, this delicious man were to cross my path anywhere at anytime, I would not hesitate to act like a complete and utter freak of nature.  I can barely watch his show without beating the Hell out of my poor husband as I'm normally all a'flutter.  Mr. Rowe, I realize I'm married.  My husband has graciously allowed you all rights and privileges thereof to me, his wife, in order to avoid future beatings, scratches, and bruises.  Next time you're in Denver, please look me up.  Yours truly, Bri Potts.  Meeeooow.

Current stalking issues, outside of Mr. Rowe, I can't say that I have any.  My husband, Eric would kick my butt if I did.  There was the boys' psychiatrist back in California whom I had an immense crush on.  When Austy told him he could come live with us, I almost pee'd my pants.  Crushes are healthy, stalking is scary.  I'll try to tone it down on Mr. Rowe.  Other than that, if you answered my initial question about currently being a stalker, than you need to work on toning it down a bit too you Crazy Hoochie Mamas and Peepin' Toms out there!!  ;)