Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Make a mistake, it might fix the cosmos.

Totally random, but I'm the world's worst whistler and I just scared the crap out of my poor sleeping dog.  I must have hit a note that pierced her ear drum.  Sorry little one.  No wonder you have such awful nightmares.

I have a few wayward thoughts today so I'm supposin' I'm meant to ramble this morning. 

Now that I've totally startled Tulip awake, my first concern is whether my Shih Tzu is sniffing about the room because she didn't finish her business outside or she's looking for a dirty sock to chew on.  Either way, I refuse to react.  Damn, my whistle anyway. 

Eric, my dear one, the apple of my eye, my, well...fartmeister..(seriously, last night was something awful), took today off and chose to spend it with me, his lovely and ever supportive wife.  I'm suffering terrible guilt over this.  Why?  Where is Eric?  Is he snuggled up beside me as I write insulting comments about his gaseous evening?  No.  He's taken Austynn to school and has driven our oldest to an interview for a summer job.  This was not planned.  The interview was arranged last evening.  Later today, Austynn has occupational therapy after school.  Oh, and yes..then Eric and I teach our wee 2nd graders Catholic catechism and how not to curse to like sailors.  SHITE!  Poor love.  My husband would have been better relaxing at work today.  I know!  I'll shave my legs.  That will make him happy.  Perhaps I'll even go beyond my kneecaps.  I'll have to make this a shorter blog though.  Thigh shaving takes me awhile.

I was watching a presentation about "wrongness" and how it's actually a good thing.  I had a Starbucks mental moment afterwards - strike that - more like a ten minute sit-down-at-a-cozy-overstuffed-Starbucks-chair-break to consider it.  This is what happened in those ten minutes of staring off into space... 

I remembered my shock and amazement in my early twenties when I was told that there was no such thing as a "Pickle Bush". I recall my friends faces when I learned that cucumbers and pickles were the same thing.  That was the day my food light bulb was lit.  Suddenly, my brain was awash with strange new facts..raisins were grapes?  Prunes were plums?  Sauerkraut was cabbage?  I was almost dizzy with the miracle of information.  To this day, I still smile at my wrongness.

Yes, divorce is admitting that a mistake has been made.  "To err is human, to forgive is divine."  I've seen the situation on all sides.  I've been party to my own divorce.  No matter how it boils down in the end; who cheated on whom, who got the house, what ugliness was said, etc., there was a day when you looked into one another's eyes and thought it was right.  Afterwards, we all face our inner demons about what drove us into signing the paperwork.  There are lessons in every mistake.  I will never go into a public tirade about my divorce because the court decree required two signatures.  Do I regret the mistake?  Never.  Every choice we make brings us to where we are today.  Every decision, right or wrong, molds and shapes the character of who we become.  The hugeness of this amazing cosmos, the craziness of this masterpiece called life is do we choose to use the lesson to better ourselves or do we dwell on the negativity of it?  From some of these unions, came children.  How can life from life be negative?  Just ponderin'...

And finally, yes - I've thought often in my past and quite honestly, lately about the biggest mistake I could make in my own life - ending it needlessly.  As I've mentioned earlier, I'm Catholic and I have the irreverence to actually teach small children Catholic doctrine.  I do my best to stick to the guidelines but decided next year to take a break and let some of the older ladies with the statues scare the kids half to death. As many of you can guess, I'm extremely liberal in my spiritual views.  I try not spew too much religion into my blogs because quite frankly, like politics, it can be a difficult topic to cover.  This is my thought of the "Biggie"..

Yes, I'm bi-polar.  There are days when my deep dark is unimaginable and all I want to do is shut out the ugliness in my head and go to sleep.  Do I want to die?  Oftentimes, no.  I just want to burn down into a resting ember where in a few days someone can stoke me and I'll burn bright again.  The danger to this is how I put myself out.  Prescription pills are not the way to go, I understand this; however, it's my method of choice.  The suicide thoughts are deeper.  I haven't had too many of those, thank God.  When I do, they're eery.  I feel calm, almost "out of body".  I don't want to go there because of my spirituality..no, not my faith.  There's a difference.  It's hard to explain but I'll finish my silly rambling blog on a serious note (how the heck did I get from there to here??)

Lately I've been writing a series of private spiritual pieces based on personal meditation and self-reflection.  Here's a sampling of one: 

"Killing myself will never be an option. I know what purgatory is. I've seen it, or at least different versions of it. It's every one's concept of their road to perfection except for one thing..their final happiness..the presence of their Christ, their Allah, their Light, their Buddha, whatever they conceive their total Joy to be. If I killed myself, that would simply be Hell. The deepest sadness. The realization or knowledge that I would never experience that great and overwhelming sense of peace."

I hope today's writing has given you, my dear friends and blog readers, not only some laughter but at least a metaphorical ten minute sit-down-at-a-cozy-overstuffed-Starbucks-chair-coffee-break to consider it.  Have a lovely day.  Oh, and by the way, make a mistake or two.  Who knows, it might fix the cosmos.  Just ponderin'...