Monday, October 17, 2011

Good guys find "Happily Ever After".

I find myself talking a lot lately about my past - about the people in it and the affect they've had on my life.  Why is that?  Why am I visiting these years now that I'm in my forties?  Am I afraid that I'll lose them or the memories?  Do other people do this at my age?  Are we suddenly drawn to our youth at this juncture and do we question the decisions that we made and the roads that we've taken to get where we are today?  So deep...so thought provoking...so indigestible.

I suppose we could all feel some remorse over the things we've done when we were younger.  I know I for one barrelled through a lot of people and hurt them along the way.  And, of course, some hurt me along the journey too.  I was young and foolish and thoroughly immature.  How naive I was to think that moving out of of my parent's house with the first fellow who said, "yes" meant that I should marry him four years later.  Wrong.  Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, I tried to conform him into what I thought my husband should be - like my father.  Wrong again.  I believe the worst part of this situation was that he didn't love me.  How could anyone not love me?  How was this possible?  Ego slap.  Painful slap right across my over-inflated self image.  Damn that's embarrassing!  Move along, lesson learned.

Loving someone - a friend - pouring almost a lifetime's worth of memories into this relationship and getting burned over and over again.  I kept coming back for more because I didn't see it.  Love can be that way.  One day, that was it.  She was done with me for good.  There was no reason given.  No discussion.  She was done with me.  Heartbreak.  Maybe some day she'll tell me what I did and I'll be ok with it.  Until then, it eats away at me.  Perhaps that's what she wants.  If so, it's extremely cruel.

I led a very nice and decent man on.  I let him believe that I loved him when I didn't.  This was awful.  It made me feel powerful and sexy.  It gave me a sense of control over someone.  The night when he proposed to me with a ring, I realized the crime I committed.  On one knee, by a Las Vegas pool, under the moonlight he laid out his plans for us and our future.  He was devastated when I said no.  I played with his life and his emotions.  I knew this and so did he.  I've never forgiven myself for this.  It makes me sick to remember the look on his face.  This is a moment in my life I wish I could take back.  I'm sorry, my dear friend.  I'm so sorry.

An amazing night on a dance floor in Scotland which quickly moved to an elevator and then to a fire escape.  Wow.  I would not trade this memory in for a life time. 

A sweet man with a southern accent.  A huge part of my life then and a continuing part of my life now.  How is it that the people I least expect to connect with, I do?  He was obnoxious, he smoked, and looked as goofy as they came but he touched my heart with his honesty.  This is how I quantify my friends and lovers.  They must be sincere.  This man is as sincere as they come.  He will always be my friend.  I am blessed to have him just a phone call away.  And yes, he is still extremely goofy.  Perhaps this is why I love him so. 

And finally there's my best friend.  There is nothing I would change over the years with him.  Maybe I would have tried kissing him a little sooner.  No.  I think sometimes life works out the way it does for it's own purpose.  I needed all my life experiences to get me ready for Eric, to open the door for him so to speak.  He was there for all my ups and downs.  He was jealous when I was dating my boyfriends (though he never told me so).  He was aware of my sadness during my first marriage.  We hung out at parties and he stood by during my crazy days.  He waited for me to grow up and settle down and knew one day, perhaps his time would come.  Soul mates usually meet up in the end.  "Happily Ever After" always happens to the good guys, doesn't it?

Maybe this is why I'm looking back at my life now that I'm in my forties...I'm just so lucky God considered me a good guy in my own story.  No, now that I think of it - it was just Eric He was probably looking out for. 

    

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