Thursday, September 22, 2011

One day at a time.

The secret to having a manic day is knowing when it's coming on.  For instance, yesterday...Wednesday, September, 21st.  This was a crappy day and I sensed the deep, dark cloud of depression rolling over the Rockies before I even took my first sip of coffee.  There was nothing wrong with the day per se.  It was actually a glorious "almost fall" morning here in Colorado.  The air was crisp, the skies were clear, there was a slight breeze, and my kiddos needed to wear jackets but of course they're acclimated to 40+ temps now, "Mom, it gets hot in the classroom."  Whatever.

My sugar dropped fast.  I'm not a diabetic, otherwise my blood work would have told me so years ago.  I think I'm hypoglycemic whatever the Hell that is.  Sometimes if I get distracted (his name is Austynn), I'll lose count of Hershey chocolate swirls in my coffee cup, put too much in, and then get the shakes.  This is when I need to eat something with protein early in the morning.  I usually keep protein shakes in the frig (of course, chocolate ones) to keep me steady.  I ran out a few days ago.  I didn't have the brain processing to make eggs because I knew I'd burn the house down.  Apples and Peanut Butter - way too much work.  FRITOS!  Yeah, that would do it!  Nice.  Feed my face with greasy, crap food.  This makes my manic depression so much better!!  Ooohh, add melted cheese.  Yummo!  Frito Cheetos (at least that's what I call them, I don't know why).

Of course, I felt terrible after that.  I took my Adderall.  I thought this would get me going.  My Jack Ass psychiatrist does do some things right.  He prescribed me Adderall for the days when my depression kicks into full gear to keep me from hiding in bed.  I took it.  Hmm...The house looked ok.  I know I needed to do the laundry but couldn't move yet.  I needed the stimulant to get going first.  A MOVIE!  That would inspire.  Popcorn and a movie!  "Being John Malkovich".  A quirky, silly, keep me awake until the Adderall kicked in kind of movie.  The dogs and I ate the popcorn and ten minutes later, I crawled deep under the comforter into a fetal position, and slept until my eldest son came home from school.

I'm not trying to make light of manic depression or being bi-polar.  I'm trying to explain it to those of you who don't have it.  It's a terrible, paralyzing disease.

I wish I could say that was the end of my day.  Nice and tidy in bed but it wasn't.  It got worse.  Austynn had a bad day at school and his consequence was no PlayStation at home.  By the time I had to take the boys to their bi-monthly psychiatrist appointment at 4:00pm, he was wired up so tight that he could not stop talking and accusing me of being a horrific mother.  I obviously was not in a good place to listen to anything much less his incessant, accusational rattling.  Of course, his older brother plays the antagonist making things much worse than it needed to be.  The entire drive on two freeways of traffic made my face ache from clenching my teeth shut. 

Eric and I had a nasty argument on the phone driving home from the boys' appointment.  He's been trapped late at work all week due to team building exercises and has not been available to rescue me from the madness of the kids at his usual allotted time.  This week has not been easy for either of us and I took it out on him. 

Once I got home, all I wanted to do was throw some clean clothes in a bag and leave.  Financially, it's impossible.  There's no money anywhere.  I'm trapped.  All I could do was sit at my laptop and listen to the boys argue over the TV and holler, "Hey, mom."  I wanted to scream but my throat was sore because I had already done that several times.  They just weren't getting it tonight.  LEAVE MOM ALONE!

When Eric came home, I wept in my bathroom.  I wept long and hard until my eyes hurt, I came down with a headache, and wanted to vomit.  Afterwards, we held each other and talked about everything.  I shared something I'd been hiding from him.  It didn't wreck our marriage, and by the way in case some of you are wondering, it strengthened our bond more than I thought was possible.  I'm so very much in love with him.

So...that was the story of a manic's ugly day.  This morning I'm better.  I'm on the cusp though.  It could go either way, if you know what I mean.  I'm taking it slow, doing the laundry, staying away from the Frito's, and taking one moment at a time.  AND, definitely appreciating what I have.  Where's my vacuum?

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