Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Equus asinus is defined as a Jackass or in other words...my doctor.

How much do I love my psychiatrist?  Let me count the ways...hmmm, well...  I'm thoroughly stumped.  He's a complete jackass.  Why don't I change doctors you ask?  Because it's nearly impossible to find a new one in my area on my insurance.

Let me give you a few examples as to why he lands in the Equus asinus species of animals.  He believes he is above himself.  That he is some sort of thoroughbred stallion.  Not so.  Every time I walk into his office, he looks down his long, donkey nose at me, past his bi-focals and waits for my greeting.  It is beyond his social magnitude to say, "Hello" to his lowly, crazy patients sitting across from him.  So I wait.  I have come to play the game.  I am the lowly, crazy patient who sits across from him and stares.  I never say, "Hello".  I wait and attempt to look as nutty as possible.  My eyes are big and blue and I can make them look as dazed as the next guy.  

"What's up?"

"Nothing new."

"No feelings of listlessness, wanting to hurt yourself or others, feelings of distraction, sadness, impulsiveness, extreme mood changes, euphoria, etc.?"

"No, I'm good.  I did miss several appointments last month - including yours (hmmm, wonder why?) and had a serious deja vu experience.  I lost about ten minutes while writing checks and paying bills.  It really frightened me."

"It sounds like the Topiramate.  That can happen."

"Yep."  (Thanks for your concern asshole.)

"Anything else?"

"Nope.   Except that I'm sorry about missing last month's appointment."

"Hundred dollar late fees are why you never have to say, 'you're sorry'"  Seriously?  Did he just say that?  Do I hear baying in the room?

"We'll see you next month."

"Yeah, thanks."

Tell me again why women fall in love with their doctors?  Less than five minutes of agony which cost me $20.00.  Equus asinus.

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