Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Be sure to read the fine print.

Contracts can be very tricky.  There's a plethora of fine print which the parties involved are not always aware of.  Having been married now for sixteen years, I've become extremely knowledgeable of the small points on the bottom of my marriage certificate.  Here are just a few examples:

  • Back Scratching:  Spouses, in particular husbands, are required to scratch their wife's back when said wife needs additional assistance falling asleep at night.  There is no time limitation for this requirement.  Scratching must be gentle, loving, and nurturing and must continue until said wife is gently snoring.  
  •  Bath Tub Etiquette:  If a partner is enjoying a relaxing bubble soak and there is more than one available toilet in the household, the polite decision would be not to use the commode directly adjacent to the tub where one's partner is enjoying this relaxing bubble soak.  If indeed this happens, the contractual obligation clearly states to 1) close the door, 2) not to carry on an in depth conversation particularly about children, household needs, or yard work and finally 3) close the door upon the horrifying outcome. 
  • Sheet Fluffing or Nightwinding:  This is the act whereas one partner passes gas under the bed covers and then surreptitiously fluffs the sheets exposing their spouse to a most unsavory smell.  I am often blamed for this act; however, I must confess that before meeting Eric many years ago, I would never have considered such a thing.  I was a lady on all counts.  He has since taught me how to belch, spit, and pass gas in public though to this day I only accommodate these needs when absolutely necessary (for instance when in the rhinoceros house at the Denver Zoo).  This bullet should be outlawed and considered an act of treason for most relationships. 
  • Devotion:  This covers a wide variety of challenges but primarily during the cold and flu season.  Marriage contracts clearly state (in the fine print) that partners should remain vigilant, compassionate, and above all, devoted to their partners in times of illness.  Fluids and medication are to be distributed with tenderness and all household duties are to be taken up with a cheerful heart and loving attitude.  Crusty tissues wadded up the nose, cough drop breath, and greasy hair are to be completely overlooked.  After all, it will be just a matter of time before the germs carelessly spread on the opposite side of the bed will make themselves known to the other partner.


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