Sunday, June 26, 2011

How Many Bugs Can A Bug Zapper Zap?

"So what does your family do for fun on a Saturday night, Bri?"

"Oh, we buy bug zappers at the local hardware store and make predictions on how many bugs will be zapped by the time we go to bed."

Yes, we did do this last night.  We're a very odd family.  William and Austynn were so excited that they could hardly contain themselves.  The boys fought over who was going to hold the zapper on the way home until it was determined that it would sit with the information side up between them.  The idea was that they would both carefully study the box and learn about it prior to its actual installment in our backyard.

"Mom, did you know that we can leave this on for 24 hours a day?"

"No I didn't, William.  Thank you."

"We won't have to worry about flies at dinner time any more!"

"Wow, that's great."

"Mom, when I get my birthday money, can I buy one and put in it my room?"

"No, Austynn.  Not necessary." 

"Absolutely NOT!"  As Eric said this, he looked at me and rolled his eyes as if to imply we didn't need any more reasons to put out fires in Austynn's room.

Suddenly, William yelled, "STOP BREATHING ON ME!  YOU HAVEN'T BRUSHED YOUR TEETH IN A WEEK!"

"HEY!  Mom, William pulled it away from me!" Austynn violently started pulling the box to his side of the back seat.

In exasperation I yelled, "KNOCK IT OFF, William!  Neither have you!!  I'm surprised your Dad and I haven't passed out from the fumes in this truck yet.  Give me the box now!"

Why do I say these things?  It's almost like giving the kids my permission to start blowing their gruesome breath directly in my face.  Which, of course, is exactly what they did.

"STOP IT!"  Bellowed Eric.  "Not funny!  Not another word from either of you!!"

When does a simple errand to the hardware store become such a complicated family ordeal?  In my mind, there is no way that two ADHD boys can leave each other alone for an additional ten minutes.  And, if you know Will and Austy as well as I do, the silence request will be broken in less than 15 seconds.  Usually Eric will overlook his lack of poor judgement in requesting such an impossible feat, but if it's a case of rambling chit chat or poking for the sake of touching, all Hell will break loose. I know this because I've been in the truck first hand when it's happened.  I've seen the reactions of drivers three cars away.  Eric is not a handsome man when he's pushed to the brink of madness.  This is why I keep a handy dandy bottle of Valium with me at all times.  Yes, the boys are tough.  Throw in my husband who's wits have been pushed over the brink of sanity, well - all I can say is, someone calm needs to take over the wheel.

Once we got home, I tried desperately to put the awful drive behind us and sliced up some dessert.  We celebrated the excitement of our new appliance with cheesecake and waited patiently for our first victim to explode.  And we continued to wait.  And we waited some more... 

"Are you sure it's on, Dad"

"Yeah, the light's on."

"Well, the box said it's really quiet.  Maybe we won't hear the pops?"

"Maybe..."

"The dessert was really good, Mom.  Can I watch TV now?"

"Ok"

"Me too?"

"Sure."  I waited for a few minutes before I was certain Eric and I were alone.  "So, Eric - I'm thinkin' we won't have to worry about Austynn wanting a bug zapper for his birthday?"

"Thank goodness for quiet bug zappers."





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