Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Das Boot is a Pain in Das Butt...But...

I visited the Podiatrist yesterday because I have some pain in my foot and the doctor tells me that I have a lovely case of tendinitis.  Oh?  Is it serious, I ask?   Not so much.  If I want to treat it aggressively, I'll have to wear a large, ugly boot constantly throughout the day for four to six weeks, treat it with a topical anti-inflammatory ointment four times a day, ice it in the evenings, and take an increased amount of ibuprofen three times a day until otherwise instructed.  Afterwards, some rehabilitation and I'll be as good as new.  Ok, not so serious.  Well then, that's nice.  I guess my guilt for the Zumba classes I hadn't planned on taking is completely unnecessary.  Also, I've never been one for full body photos so now my vanity is saved.  Hey, this is also a great opportunity to go to the zoo and not look lazy when I ask for a motorized cart.  Water World this spring?  No can do.  Darn it!  I so look forward to that experience.  I'm sure that the lifeguards are still talking about the crazy lady (me) from last year.  At least a couple of summers are needed so they can forget my face.  Oh, the humor of it!

My dear friend and neighbor had an extra ticket last summer and invited me to tag along with her and her young twelve year old niece.  Since my friend was not so much for going down the slides, I took it upon myself to entertain the kiddo.  Let me preface this story with the fact that our local water park is huge.  In fact, the claim is that it's one of the largest in the country.  The claim should also be that it's one of the most annoying, hill ridden places in the United States.  On this particular day, the park was not very busy and the little niece was taking full advantage of it by wanting to run everywhere and race down competing slides.  My pride was at stake so I tried to keep up with her.  Soon I became exhausted.  My body was not made for hills or water retention. 

By the third slide (perhaps the second, yes - how embarrassing), I made it to the top of the slide well after missy had gone down and obviously won the race.  As I huffed and puffed, I positioned the tube under my wet fannie and the damned thing squirted out from under my butt and flew into the bushes behind me.  The splash was deafening as I landed with a pronounced thud in the shallow water.  The young, studly sixteen year old lifeguard held back peels of laughter as I sat there with a confused look on my face.  His suppressed laughter immediately turned to shock as I started cackling myself.  He obviously was not expecting my sense of humor to kick in and, by that time, I was so exhausted that I had no intention of doing anything more than laughing at my own predicament.  So that's what I did, laugh.

Eventually the young man became so embarrassed at the maternal, overweight woman splashing herself with water that he offered to retrieve my tube.  No.  I was good.  I told him to leave me alone and at that, I laughed louder because now his face was visibly concerned.  He didn't know what to do and I found that amusing beyond reason.  I almost pee'd in the water.  The whole situation was beyond hysterical.

Eventually another family arrived at the top of the slides hoping to race one another down.  I asked the young lady of the family to get my tube for me.  She looked at her father questioningly as if she shouldn't help the crazy, laughing lady without his permission.  He gave a weary approval so that I could just move along and get out of their way.  Wouldn't you know that the damn tube slipped out from under me again?!  More peels of laughter.  The lifeguard asked the family to go down the other tube and leave me alone. 

Eventually the young man got me on my tube and before I was situated properly, pushed me down the slide.  I could not contain myself.  Laughter mixed with four-letter words were heard shrieking throughout the water tunnel until I came to an abrupt and very ugly upside down flop at the end of the ride.  My friend and her niece stood horrified at the pool's end worried sick about me.  I stood up grinning, asking for a bottle of water, and an hour reprieve from water slides.  Perhaps a calming ride down the lazy river would be a nice change of pace?

Yes, das boot will be a pain in das butt this spring; however, based on the alternatives, I just may enjoy it. 

1 comment:

Pat said...

Great story :)