Saturday, April 9, 2011

Depression is Ugly

Yesterday was a tough day for me.  Even with all the anti-depressant medication coursing through my blood, I couldn't find a way to crawl out from under the darkness.  Depression is ugly.  I sense it when it's coming.  It's like a cold, grey cloud hovering over the horizon.  I think if I could just fill my day with enough coffee and take my Adderall, I will be too hyped up for that cloud to linger over my household.  Perhaps it will take one look at me running hither and thither and say, "No can do.  She's putting out Easter Baskets for Pete's sake!"  Nope.  Unfortunately it doesn't work that way.  I take my meds and drink my extra strong coffee but to no avail.  My body says it's exhausted and every muscle hurts.  I want to crawl into a fetal position and shut my door on everyone and everything.

I do a lot of pretending on these days.  I try to psych myself out.  I say, "Ok, maybe painting my friend's kitchen was just too much for my big ole' body to handle (far be it from me to accept that I was sitting on my fanny painting the lower half and only for about four hours).  Maybe I'm just tired and need a nap (at 9:00am).  I'll sleep for an hour."  Next thing I know it's 1:30 in the afternoon and I have to pick up William from school soon.  The idea of leaving my dark room makes me want to weep and I do.  I'm supposed to bring medication to Austynn's middle school before 2:00pm.  I can't do it.  This would mean I would have to get out of the car and speak to someone.  Impossible. 

My secret is out.  I call Eric at work and tell him what's happening.  He feels awful because I asked him earlier in the day if he'd like to come home.  I didn't say why because I didn't want him to worry.  Sometimes he can leave the office at noon if work is slow and finish up at home.  He couldn't do it yesterday.  I asked him to call Austynn's school and give them a head's up about the medicine.  Austy would be ok.

I eventually made it through the afternoon in bed.  The boys understand what's happening.  I don't lie about it.  They know that I have some dark days from time to time.  I was in the hospital last November for a very bad episode.  When I came out, we talked.  There's no point in closing my bedroom door and pretending it's something that it's not. 

I hate these days.  I feel so helpless and lost.  The recovery time varies.  It's still with me somewhat this morning.  I suppose once I take a shower and plan on shopping at our local warehouse store for bulk toilet paper and pot stickers in quantities of 100, I'll feel much better.  Nothing makes me happier than seeing the droll faces of retired people passing out samples of cranberry vitamin water and 3-cheese tortellini at the end of each well-organized and over-sized merchandise aisle.  I love that place!

Deep breath.  I'm feeling a little better already.  Thank you for reading my serious blog today.  Obviously I'm not always in a silly mood.  But suddenly I'm feeling downright giddy with the prospect of wholesale grocery store madness. 

3 comments:

Leigh Ann said...

Love you, Bri! <3

Pat said...

I agree, Depression is ugly. At least you are doing everything that you can to fight it. (unlike me)
*hugs*

Brenda said...

Bri, my sweet soul sister, you know that I understand where you are coming from. We both walk the same path at times. I am glad that you are feeling a bit more uplifted today. It's always important to remember that you deserve to rest and recoup if you need to. Depression is exhausting. It's a good thing that your family is able to accept and understand your dark days. That is definitely a relief in the grand scheme of the situation.
I love you. :)