Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Optometrist Appointment

Out of all the appointments/errands I run during the year, months or weeks, the one that my boys have the best track record for successfully melting down in would be the optometrist.

Since this is my first official blog, let me give you a bit of background information on my children.

They are adopted, biological brothers but they were each six years old when they came to live with us. They have major emotional issues plus they have both recently been diagnosed by our area Children's Hospital as having Asperger's Syndrome. They see therapists, have a psychiatrist, take medications, and are considered extremely "special needs". As most brothers go, they have their moments but toss in some choices and additional stress then their ADHD kicks in and they want - no, DEMAND my full attention. Good Grief!!

Knowing what I do about the stressfulness of these appointments every year, I choose to get them over with in one fatal swoop. I hold my breath and pray for the best. Apparently, this year my prayers were not powerful enough.

It started out okay - sort of, maybe, well...not so much. I had the boys pick numbers ahead of time to see who would go first. I thought, "Hey, good for me!  Crisis averted. Way to plan ahead, Bri!" My 12 year old went first while my 15 year old played on his Nintendo DS. Things were looking good.

I helped Austy pick out three frame choices all of which I approved and he liked because I hinted that they made him look like different action figures; the Green Hornet, Tony Stark from Iron Man and a pair similar to last year's which made him look "Rico Suave" (our family term for extremely handsome).  He chose the Iron Man frames which made me happy as they were the cheapest and which, I must admit, I was strongly promoting.

Next was Will's turn when everything started to go downhill.  Austy forgot to bring a reading book and, of course, this doctor's office is filled with antique railroad memorabilia which Austy's chunky, clunky fingers could not touch without mom's watchful eyes paying close attention. So, with precautionary measures in mind, I asked Will to let Austynn play his Nintendo game for just a few minutes.  You would think I asked big brother to give up his entire teenage existence!  In front of Beth, the eyeglass technician, whom I now consider a dear friend and compadre, William began to bargain out a price tag for Austynn's 5 minutes of play time. "Ok, mom. I'll let him as long you let me play on the Internet."

Since William's last Internet experience was logging on to a porn site and crashing my lap top, I wasn't too comfortable with this yet. Thinking he meant my phone, I figured where could ten minutes at the eye doctor's get him? Not too far if I constantly looked over his shoulder so I hastily agreed.  Per Will's request, we shook hands on it. I didn't care. I just needed to get Austynn to stop groping the railroad light in the corner where I couldn't see him but knew what he was doing.

Austynn sat down with the Gameboy.  Ah bliss, quiet for 30 seconds. Beth was measuring Will's new frames on his face. Now mind you, there were several other customers in this office. It's not a small place. At this point, William looked over at my youngest and yelled at him, yes yelled, to stop pressing down on his Gameboy screen or he'd take it away. Beth had just finished up with William. I told Will to get my phone out of the car so he can play it and to stop yelling at Austynn. William told me that we "shook hands" to play on my new lap top while he simultaneously yelled at Austynn and yanked the Gameboy away from his brother telling him he couldn't play it any longer.

Austy shrieked.  Not just a yell but a full on scream of a boy who's voice hasn't decided yet which way it's supposed to change. I, in the meantime, was multi-tasking trying to calm Austynn down and at the same time explain to William that by no means was he EVER going to use my new lap top (strong, I know, but I was so annoyed that I couldn't be more serious at that moment). I thought he meant the Internet on my phone. William has learned the fine art of multi-tasking from the queen (myself) by slapping his brother's chunky, clunky, reachy hands away from his Nintendo, yelling that I was a "cheater" and trying to bring poor Beth, the eyeglass technician and my dear friend and compadre, to his side of the argument.

I love poor Beth. She stood strong. She did not waiver. SHE knew the truth.

I sent William to the car with his Gameboy and told him how horrible he was being. I also told him not to leave the car at all. I said I would be finished picking out my glasses in about 10 minutes. Then I attempted to console Austynn by explaining that it wasn't his fault that William yelled at him but that I desperately needed him to sit still for another 10 minutes until I was done and to please not interrupt me. 

Thirty seconds later, "Mom?"

"Yes, Austynn?"

"Why is William so mean to me? Is he going to get into a lot of trouble because he was being an Ass Hole!"

I walked over to Austynn, whispered to him that that is not appropriate language and to please stop interrupting. I need just a few minutes to get my glasses taken care of.

30 seconds later. Loud moaning coming from Austynn's direction. "Austynn, I need you to be quiet, please. I'm almost done. Thank you."

40 seconds later. "Mom?" Chunky, clunky hands around my shoulders, kisses on my face while poor Beth, the eyeglass technician, is trying to measure my frame distance. "Yes, Austynn?"

"I hate William. He's an Ass Hole."

"Beth, please excuse me."

"Austynn, I need this to STOP NOW! I'm almost done. Let me get this done, PLEASE!"

I go back to the table. 10 seconds later. "Mom?" 

"WHAT???!!!!" I was thoroughly exasperated and close to tears.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Fine! Go!!!"

Beth was finished with me. I apologized repeatedly for the last hour of agony we'd put her through.  My husband called to say he was ten minutes away. I told him that he was on child duty and that I was completely finished. I also explained that once he arrived, I was going to the dentist to enjoy my oral surgery in peace and quiet. Then I gave him a brief overview of what had been going on while it suddenly occurred to me that Austynn had been away a little too long in the bathroom. Shit!

"Austynn, what are you doing in there?"

"Going pee."

"You've been in there for over ten minutes. Open the door now!"

"Uhh, what?"

"OPEN THE DOOR NOW!"

Austy opened the door and I'm hit with the overpowering smell of air freshener. I saw a bottle of air freshener spray sitting on the sink and on the floor around the toilet there was white cleaning foam everywhere. I looked at Austynn's face and it was clear to me what he'd done. He hadn't paid attention. He pee'd all over the floor and decided that he'd clean up after himself. At least he tried. 

"Beth, I'm sorry to bother you again, but do you have a mop?"

At this point my husband walked in. He was visibly annoyed because he knew the boys had been awful. He saw me with a mop in my hands and he figured it had gotten worse. Not quite yet. William decided that he didn't want to wait in the car any longer.

"Mom (in the middle of the office, while I'm holding a mop, my husband is asking me what happened, and my youngest is trying to wipe up the bathroom floor with toilet paper and flushing paper towels down the toilet), I want to talk to you now!"

"William, this is obviously not the best time for a heart to heart conversation."

"I want to talk with you, now!"

"NO, go back to the car!"

"What did I do that was so awful today?"

Deep sigh.

3 comments:

Pat said...

All because of a forgotten book. Oy!
I'm sending you some positive brainwaves.

Brenda said...

I understand. I wish there was more I could say. But I do hope those words speak volumes. I understand. xoxo

Dawn said...

"...I was going to the dentist to enjoy my oral surgery in peace and quiet."

ROFL!!