Saturday, March 5, 2011

Hag Hairs and Other Such Nonsense

Women many years over 44 years of age will say that I'm "nothing but a baby so quit my whining. Been there, done that, get over it!" For those of you who are here or near my age you'll nod your heads in agreement and go, "oh yeah. We totally get it!" And then there are my dear friends following in my footsteps who will say, "FUCK!  Just shoot me now!"

My mother came from the generation where you either shared everything that was natural and holy with your children or shared nothing because it was unnatural to discuss anything considered "holy".  I'm Catholic. Now you know which group I came from.

So, here I am this morning, thinking about all the things my mother didn't tell me to prepare for in my 40's. She did not warn me of the daily ritual of plucking those nasty, thick facial hairs. They show up every damn morning, normally in the same place but if I'm in a hurry, they're tricksters and pop out in a new spot like in the middle of my chin, ergo the name, "Hag Hairs".

The next would be what my 12 year old so lovingly refers to as my "Gobble Neck". When he pulled and referenced it in the grocery line, I took it with a grain of salt. But the other day, at the hair dressers, when it didn't move back into position after looking down at my hair line...I was deeply disturbed.

And what about that hair line? When did it reach the back of my scalp? Thank God for bangs and thick hair. I need to talk to my good friend Melissa, my hairdresser. She's been withholding critical information from me. She knows I'm highly emotional and doesn't want to create a scene. I don't blame her. It would be ugly.

My new glasses. Yes they are cute and hip and they make me look very fashionable but just knowing that they're bi-focals in disguise and that I have to wear them pisses me off.

My hands. Yuck. When did all these veins pop out? I swear I can read a short story out of them. Are gloves coming back in fashion any time soon?

Ok, this may be too much information or TMI as the Internet world calls it, but no one talks about it!!!  When was someone going to tell me that all body hair turns grey?!!! I was beside myself when I discovered this. I mean, naturally it makes sense. But really! It was a shock to my system!

Enough ranting and raving this morning. On a positive note, I feel a pimple coming in. Maybe I'm still a youngin' or maybe this is a sign of peri-menopause...

1 comment:

Leigh Ann said...

I went back to this post and read it to my friend over the phone and we both got a hoot out of it. So true...I call those hag hairs Guinea Hairs. My mom's neighbor is an Italian lady from NJ, and that's what she call them. I hate those dang things!